Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Dear Rocco


It's been 5 weeks since you've been gone. Every Monday that has come since Labor Day I count the weeks. I wonder how long it will be like that. I was just playing with your brother outside. Playing fetch in the dark. It reminded me of the times we played back in San Mateo after dinner time. We would play tug in the dark, and whenever we stepped in front of the motion light we would have these brief periods of light and then it would go dark again. Your Mom was usually washing the dishes and we could see her through the kitchen window. How I miss those times. I would give anything to have another game of tug with you in the dark.
I signed up to volunteer at another shelter. After I went to the orientation I had a dream that night. I was volunteering and I saw you in one of the kennels. I couldn't believe it. I took you out to the back play yard and you were so excited to see me. I remember giving you all the hand commands you learned to see if it really was you. You did them all. I was going to call Alicia I was so excited. My first instinct was take you right out the front and into the car. Then I thought if I did that they would think I was stealing you, and would never give you to me after that. I don't remember what happened after. I had another dream that happened in another dimension. You and I were together in a house and clothes I'd never seen before. I've been reading some articles about physics and dimensions and I thought maybe this was real, happening in another dimension. The thing was you had cancer there too. Somehow in the dream I knew. It's like it was your destiny. What does all this mean? Ever since you've been gone I've been asking your Momma to tell me any dreams she has about you. She finally told me one a couple of days ago. She said you were laying in her arms like you used to do and you were smiling at her. I said "smiling?". You mean like when you are hot and panting? She said "No, it was a different smile, a knowing smile". I was glad to hear that.
I played four songs today for you on guitar, I usually take your book down off the mantle and look at your picture while I play them for you. I wish you we here. I miss you so so much, sometimes too much. I want to go back in time to when we first met. The only catch is I want to have all my memories from then until now, or else everything plays out the same. I don't know how to connect with you. The logical part of me tells me not to try. But I'm compelled to. I think about you and talk to you and play songs for you. I try to feel you, remembering what it was like to pet you. I touch you box of ashes, I put all my fingers in the pad print of the clay tile that was made at your cremation. Sometimes I slide the bottom of the box of ashes out and feel the ashes through the plastic bag. There are some coarse pieces mixed in with the ash. My heart races when I do this, so I usually just touch the box. I don't know my boy. I hope against all odds to somehow meet with you again.

Funny picture for you.....this is when you first saw snow. You kept trying to chomp it coming down from the air! Was so funny! That was a good day.

Love you

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