Dear Rocco

Rocco,

Yesterday was the worst day of my life. I've been feeling sick ever since you've been gone. Words can't describe how much I loved you and how much it broke my heart to do that to you. I feel like I tricked you, like I betrayed you. You gave me unconditional trust and I deceived you. Seeing the look of confusion in your eyes when the anesthesia shot incapacitated your body was horrible. I know it must have been scary to lose your muscle function and not be able to stand. I felt for you when you couldn't hold your tongue in your mouth. When I thought your tongue could move no more you twice tried to lick your nose. I think you must have been trying so hard and willed yourself to do that. I tried to keep eye contact with you while you blinked and struggled with your loss of feeling. I held your arms in my hands and rubbed them. I spoke softly into your ears. I hope I was with you when you left consciousness. Part of me wanted to go with you, for you not to have to bear this journey alone. When the euthanasia shot came it was so quick and painless. I was so glad there was no struggle.
You looked up to me like I was your hero but you were mine. I thought you were so strong that the cancer would not take you. I thought your mind could conquer your body. When I saw Friday that the cancer was going to win I was heartbroken. I didn't know what to do. I don't know if we made the right decision. I don't know if I should have taken you in the next day or if you should be lying in your bed next to me now. I don't know if I took time away from you that you would have enjoyed. I know yesterday you enjoyed your food like you always have, like it was the greatest thing ever. You greeted Dr. Chad with so much excitement I feel terrible knowing that I brought him there to kill you. Rocco I had to decide whether to end your life now while you still had some enjoyment of it or wait until it was clear that you were suffering. I thought it would be wrong to wait till you were so sick that you wouldn't eat or move. If I had let you get to the point that you were living in complete misery than the gift of life would have turned into a curse. I wanted you to take the gift with you. I wanted your last moments to be good ones and not full of pain and agony. Alicia and I loved you so much and it sounds so sick but mistake or not we did it for you.
I want you to know there were others besides us who loved you. I saw people crying for you. People wrote me and called me about you. You touched many hearts. Havana is hurting for you now. After the euthanasia shot we let her out with Barney. Barney was too scared of Dr. Chad to acknowledge your condition. Havana came up and saw something was wrong, she tried to smell for your breath. Then she laid down on the blanket next to you. She just laid with her head down for maybe a minute or so and then got up. This meant a lot to Alicia and I and I hope you knew how much she loved you. Barney may have distracted her lately but you and her had such a strong bond and were meant to be together. She isn't the same right now just like us.
I don't know where to go from here. It's hard. After you were taken away I couldn't look at the empty dog bed where you usually slept. Alicia and I took Havana up to Los Altos, to Tony's neighborhood and we walked the old route. It was a beautiful day and there wasn't a dog or cat in sight. We thought you would have loved being there. Alicia and I shared a smoothie and when the cup got to the bottom we took the top off a let Havana lick what she could. I told Alicia if you were here your long tongue would get to the bottom and it would be all gone. We're going to miss those little things you did. There are so many daily rituals that are now gone. I tried to tug with Barney but he wasn't interested. Your energy in the morning was the spark plug for the whole house. I loved that you loved being dragged around on the carpet, holding onto that rope. Alicia thought it was ridiculous and I thought it was great. I loved that goofy side of you that just lived and relished in the simplest moments.
We had a terrible night last night with much crying and Alicia called in sick today. We went down to the old HSSV. The adoption kennels you stayed in were gone, just a parking lot. The gravel play yard is gone, there is a cinder block wall there. I went to the spot where you made that lady who lost her dog so happy. I could picture you there, the moments came back to me. We walked up Martin to those grass islands with the maple trees were. Memories came back. I remember sitting there with you and Alicia and she wouldn't let you kiss her! She didn't like dog kisses then. It's funny how now she was always asking you and Havana for kisses. She told me today that you showed her how to like dog kisses. How many times did I hear her tell you "gimmie kiss" and you looked up in her eyes and off you went!
We are having your body cremated. They are going to give us your ashes and a molded tile of your paw print. I'm going to bury the ashes by the fig tree where you, Havana and Barney liked to lay in the sun. I'm going to make a bracelet out of your old dog tag.
Well, I've apologized, and reminisced. I wish you could read and understand this letter. Mostly I just want you to know that you were everything to me. I could not love you anymore than I did or do. It leaves me sad because I believe when you are gone that's it. It aches in my heart to think I'll never be with you again. I would love to be proven wrong some day. I'd love to be with you again and forever. I do know that while I'm living you will forever be in my heart. You were a beautiful soul.
I know you're not going to write me back but I'll keep writing you my sweet boy.

With love
Kevin

PS. Found the most beautiful picture of you on a CD that Ali Talley gave me almost 3 years ago. I put the CD in my folder and forgot about it. Alicia and I had never seen it until today. I'll attach it with this letter.

Rocco's last night.....

Tonight is Rocco's last night. We have a vet coming to our home tomorrow at noon to euthanize him. Things turned for him on Friday afternoon, just like that. He turned away food for the first time in his life, some dry kibble. His appetite has come back though and he's eaten all his food since. However he hasn't tugged rope or wrestled since Friday morning. We can tell by the way he is resting that he is uncomfortable. It's a difficult decision because I love Rocco more than life (at least it feels that way sometimes). He has always been there for me. He has been my best friend (yes, literally) for the past 5 years. Dogs live in the movement, Rocco lives in the moment. To play a game of tug with him was to be there with him, in the moment, relishing it. The excitement of competition, the joy of movement. He felt it and I did to. Jobs, money, the things of modern society don't matter in these moments. Rocco always reminded me whether he was tugging, chewing a bone, sun bathing, or stealing strawberries from my planters, that life was a gift. You have to enjoy it and seize everyday. Rocco's mind is stronger than his body. Instead of being a gift life is now becoming a struggle. His body can not cope with the lymphoma anymore.

I remember five years ago having Rocco out as a volunteer at the old Humane Society. A woman came in and said she just lost her dog and can she pet him. I told her yes and she squats down. Rocco lights up with excitement and starts licking her face, she starts to laugh and he puts his front paws up on her shoulders and knocks her back to the ground. Now here is this middle aged woman lying on her back with a homeless pit bull standing over her and licking her face all over. She is laughing so hard she starts crying. She eventually gets up, wipes her eyes and says "I needed that so much...thank you". Rocco knew that.

Tonight as I watch him uncomfortably rest in his bed I go and lay next to him. I start to cry. As tired as he is he sits up and starts licking my face, over and over. Taking care of me the best he can. Here he is dying of cancer taking care of me the best he can. He always took care of me best and I've tried to do the same for him.

Rocco is my family. He is my blood brother. I love him more than life. The picture here is from tonight. If ever a dog could smile it's Rocco.

Rocco's Lymph Nodes are large

I'm not sure where to began. Last week we were told Rocco would probably live 1-2 months. One week on and is lymph nodes are getting bigger by the day. I think this week or next will be his last. This is very hard to deal with. One reason it's hard is because Rocco is not a old dog with chronic problems and pain. He is a happy 6 year old dog. He loves to tug every morning. He loves to go on his walks and eat. He loves to say hi and meet people. His spirit is indomitable. He's been through a lot. Being picked up as a stray. Spending over half a year in narrow concrete and chain link kennel at the old shelter. Getting giardia and mange there. He has been to the vet so many times. He's been stuck with needles all over his front and back legs, his chest, his jaw. He has been given toxic chemicals time and time again. If ever there was a dog that should resent going to the vet it should be him. Yet he is always happy and excited to go there. Not for needles or drugs but for every person who will even take a second to make eye contact with him. When I first got Rocco I remember taking him to my uncles storage unit. I took him there because the facility is fenced and I wanted to see what he would do if I let him off leash. I took the leash off and walked away from him, around the corner down row of storage units. I stopped and looked, he tentatively came around the corner and looked me in the eye. He then walked up to me. I knew then that Rocco and I had a special bond. He is my faithful friend and I his. I feel sick at what is happening. I have much trouble sleeping. I stay awake and think about Rocco. I can't take care of him anymore, only comfort him until his death. I know life is not fair and it just is what it is but I think this is bull shit. He is 6 years old and 2 of those years were living with cancer and 2 were spent in a shelter/on the street/living with people who most likely did not give a shit about him. A good dog like him deserves better. We should have taken him around class today for goodbyes. Don't know if he'll be back.

Rocco's Vet Appointment

Rocco had a vet visit today to administer a chemo drug he took three weeks ago for the first time. When the vet personally called me while Rocco was there I knew it was not good news. Rocco's lymph nodes had gotten harder and larger. The chemo drug didn't work. His chemo appointment was canceled today as the drug we were going to give him is ineffective.

His options are:
-Try 1 of the 2 other drugs that also have a 50% chance of success (success being an extra 2-3 months of life average)
-No more drugs and let him live until he is not comfortable any more. The vet thinks this will mean 1-2 months for him.

Alicia and I had said previously that we would try this one drug and if it didn't work that's it. The other drugs have the same odds, come with side effects, and high costs. We'll talk tonight when she gets back.

The good news is the failed chemo drug didn't damage his liver and Rocco feels great. He plays, eats, goes on walks, and thinks everybody at the vet is the best person ever. I'm glad dogs live in the moment and don't worry about death. We'll try and make his remaining time the best we can for him. Will post any updates here.

Rocco's Vet Appointment

Just to follow up:

Rocco went in on Monday and the vet checked his lymph nodes. They went down from the Friday chemo but not back to normal size. The vet speculated it could be from not enough time (only had been 3.5 days) or that was as effective as it was going to be. We chose this option with a drug called CCNU. It's an oral chemo medication and he took it Monday. He has to go back next Tuesday and we'll see if this drug is working (40-50% success rate). If it does he'll have another 2-3 months. If not treatment will be done for him. He's feeling okay. Today he went on a walk, had some short spells of playing tug and chasing his little brudda and he chewed some bone. I'll post back next Tuesday. Thanks for reading.

Rocco's Endgame, His new brother

I'm resurrecting this blog. Not doing this blog was good for a while. It seemed sometimes just living life and forgetting about Rocco's cancer was best. There was no need to be constantly reminded of it, even if I was taking him every two weeks for Chemo treatment. Rocco finished his second round of the Wisconsin-Madison protocol for treating lymphoma for dogs 3 weeks ago. The treatment has been very successful overall for him. It's been over 27 months since he was diagnosed. The side effects have been minimal except for a bad day here or there. However 3 weeks after his last treatment I brought him in because I felt his lymph nodes growing since the last treatment. The doctor confirmed his cancer was back and also said the WM protocol was no longer effective as evidenced by the quick relapse. The vet gave Rocco some different chemo drugs and Prednisone this Friday and while it seems to have had an effect on the cancer it also has hit Rocco pretty hard. Today he hasn't wanted to tug or even go outside. So obviously he is feeling very bad but he is stoic and just lays on the couch. He still has his appetite and I've been making him fresh food since Friday PM. Tomorrow he goes back to the vet and we decide what to do from there. He has three different drug options, they range in price (from 800$-1600$ a month) and they range in side effects to his health. They have a 40%-60% chance of success rate (of course the 60% rate is the 1600$ treatment). Regardless if they happen to be successful it gives him just another 2-3 months. The vet and I are on the same page of "quality" of life and not "quantity". I'd rather have 2 weeks of him being his happy self rather than 3 months of what I see today. It's going to be a difficult time for Alicia and I (and Havana) but such is life.

We've been on the fence about adopting our foster dog Barney for a while now. He has fit great with Rocco and Havana and they all are best buds. Havana is very bonded to Rocco and we think it would be very hard on her when Rocco's gone. Having Barney here will make it better for her. Of course we thought about what is best for all the dogs, and we think it's best for Barney to live with us. He is happy here and we know we can give him what he needs to become a more confident dog. Alicia signed the paperwork today and Barney is now a part of the family. Not as happy an occasion as we would want it to be but we'll still have Margaritas tonight to celebrate Barney's welcome to the family. (Havana likes booze so she'll partake too.) Attached is a picture of the new boy with his "big brudda" as we say. We'll keep this blog updated until the end.

A year on

Well, here we are at just past the 1 year mark, and I'm so happy to report that Rocco is still in remission from the lymphoma! Most times, the cancer seems like a distant memory (mainly out of necessity), but every now and then it comes back to mind. It was especially sensitive as the one year anniversary started to loom. That was high end of the 'average' time frame where the cancer typically returns.

A couple of weeks ago, we had a bit of a scare. Kevin said, "I think Rocco's cancer is back. His lymphnodes seem bigger." I had noticed the same thing myself. What was worse, Rocco had no interest in tugging that day. We knew we had to make another appointment to get him checked out, and we were pretty much prepared for the worst. It had finally caught up with us. Kevin took Rocco in for his check-up in the morning, and called me later that afternoon. "He's still in remission." It was an amazing sense of relief. The vet thought we had probably been feeling Rocco's salivary glands instead of the lymphnodes.

We'll go back to the vet in another month or so for the regular check-in, but for now we are so grateful that Rocco is happy, healthy, and enjoying his life to the fullest!